adam

I used to think Adam was so HOT in High School.

And after 23 years, not much has changed in that regard.

I love you.

Happy Anniversary, again.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Should I bite her head off?

Originally uploaded by sellke

Night time prayers

Last night as KP was finishing up his prayers, he ended with, “and I hope Grandpa is comfy up in heaven.”

Kiss Goodbye

When someone you love is dying, they tell you to say everything you want to say to that person.  Get it all out, don’t leave anything behind.

I struggled with this thought over the past weeks.  I felt as though, luckily enough, I had said everything to my dad, while he was alive, that I ever wanted or needed to.  He knew how much I loved him, admired him, cherished his love and his time, his tender heart and his wickedly funny sense of humor and irreverence.

But yet, I sat wondering if there was something else I should say.  Was I missing something?

The past two weeks have been hard.

Watching my dad’s condition deteriorate and seeing him struggle with the pain while we cared for him at home, was more than I could bear.  I have no words to express the torment I felt.  I could do nothing.  I could do nothing but be there and hold his hand and as tears fell down my cheeks, he apologized to me.

I of course kept talking, that’s what I do.  I would tell him stories, read him prayers, let him know of the mundane stuff that was happening in our life.

It wasn’t until I realized the end was drawing near and even though I had told him everything I loved about him, I still hadn’t said goodbye.  I hadn’t told him to go.  Go and be free from pain.

Why the hell would I tell him THAT?  I didn’t want that.  How was I going to tell him that?  He CAN’T leave yet!

And one night, when the pain was great, I told him that he should go.  With sobs and tears and my body draped over the man that took my little hand in his as a child, it was time…time for me to tell him to let go.

And with great gusto…

My sister-in-law Shannon found out last week that she has breast cancer.

She is amazing with her quiet resolve and fortitude to persevere.

In light of everything that is going on, she and my brother are facing this hurdle with great grace and style.

Here was the email I received today:

Hello Everyone,
As some of you know, Shannon is going in for Breast Cancer surgery on Friday.
So to kick things off right, let’s get together at the Leaning Tower of Pizza in Uptown on Thursday night.
Happy Hour kicks off at 4 until 6pm.
We will be having fun and merriment.
Some of the things that could happen are…
*Guess Shannon’s new cup size!
*Pin the new nipple on Shannon!
*See if Shannon will show us her soon to be eliminate left lady!
*And many other fun and exciting things to be figured out on the fly!
We would love to see each and everyone of you.
If I missed anyone, please forward this msg.
Thank you for your thoughts in advance.
Tom

p.s. if I freaked anyone out with the levity of the email, Get over it.  :-}

If you can make it out on Thursday night, do.

Come and raise a toast to Shannon!

Can you sleep?

Last night was my second night “on duty” with my dad and there was very little sleep found in the living room between either of us.

As the night wore on and the movies were changed and we took bathroom breaks and walks around the livingroom, the clock ticked by so slowly that the seconds were defening.

I didn’t realize until this morning, that my dad was scared to go to sleep for fear of not waking up.

Oh the crushing thought.  It has plagued me all day, bringing tears to my eyes and sorrow to my very core.

Can you even imagine your body breaking down around you and your mind not ready to give up the fight?  You DON’T want to die, leave your family, friends and everything else including the memories of your life that you hold so dear, but your body is making it happen regardless of what your mind is saying.

YOU have no choice but to travel the path, like it or not.

That is where the fear sets in.  The fear that you will lose what earthly things you know, have and love.

I just can’t wrap my head around it.  So I cry and wish I could do something, anything.

But I can only sit and hold his hand and hope that helps the fear, just a little.

Going home

I was really surprised that he didn’t flip the hospital the bird, but he made so many new friends.  Maybe this cancer is making him soft?

Spinning plates

I like to think of myself as the master plate spinner, keeping them all going in a whirl over my head.  A delicate dance that not many can do well.

And last night, when KP walked into the kitchen and BARFED all over the kitchen floor, they all came crashing down.

That was my limit.  I instantaneously  felt the tidal wave crash over me, knowing my night would be a long one filled with back rubs, little sleep, vomit clean up and butt wiping.

Along with trying to keep my house healthy, are thoughts around my dad coming home from the hospital tomorrow.  My brother and I will be taking shifts sleeping over and visiting during the day while my mom will bare the brunt of the load.  Life will change for me, my kids, Adam.  Everything needs to shuffle, everyone needs to help.

As much as I want to spin this plate and make it look easy, it just isn’t.  This plate has a life of it’s own and I can’t keep it from falling, but I’m sure going to try to hold it up for just a touch longer.

BARF

You realize your kids have gotten older when they can actually throw-up into the bucket they’ve been given or make it to the toilet before everything hits the wall or the floor.

Poor CT spent the ENTIRE night throwing up.  I haven’t seen this kind of stomach flu in a long time around here and I hope it leaves quickly.  It was so nasty that I was gagging while rubbing his back.

As we were up throughout the night, it reminded me of when the kids were so much younger and that was just the drill.  Up every few hours feeding, changing and being their for them because they could not do anything for themselves.

I am so glad to be beyond that stage but the realization that they are still so young and the little reminder that they still need and want their mommies when they throw-up, is heart warming.

Girls Gone North

So when your dad’s health is failing, what do you do?

Go up north with your girlfriends.

Jen, Ellen, Ann and I have gone up north, every winter, for the past five years.  It is amazing to look back at what was going on dring those past years.  The joys, the fears, the changes within ourselves, our kids, our families, our jobs, our lives.

We were pondering this past weekend if we could possibly be lucky enough to still be doing this at 60.

Oh how I hope so.