In the spirit of the sweet baby Jesus

Yesterday the kids and I brought a tree to my parents house to decorate for them, for Christmas.  This turned out to be one of those labors of love that I would have rather stuck sharp rusty nails into my eyeballs than have to do again. I did not go as I had planned, any of it.

After 7 hours, 3 stores, a trip back to my house, lunch out, 2 snacks, 1 lost dog and three tree stands later, my mom and I stood by the decorated tree and laughed.  The stroke that I thought I was having around 3:00 subsided as the white wine washed away the throbbing temple pain at 7:00.

We continued to laugh as I explained that this was suppose to be no effort for them, just joy and ease.

We laughed even harder at the pot the Christmas tree ended up in, filled with sand and rock and the fact that the tree still DID NOT stand real straight.

We laughed harder still when I reenacted my bout of Coprolalia that occurred during this most lovely tree trimming event.

Then I almost spit out my wine when my oh so sweet mother said,

“Yeah, I found myself saying fuck the other day.  And then I said to myself, FUCK you better FUCKING stop saying the word FUCK!”

And I couldn’t stop laughing as I asked her if I could blog what she just said.

Climbing out

Good golly, I’m sot sure what has happened over the past few weeks or was it just a week or maybe a day?  Ok, I guess I might know what has gone on, but it is a little hazy so bare with me.

The trip to Ohio was great!  The highlight for the kids was the pool at the hotel on either side of the trip and the artificial hips and pace makers they got from my cousin who owns five funeral homes.  There was a good amount of time spent at funeral homes.  Oh yeah and then there was “Clyde’s Funeral” that the kids (and my parents) played out and we got it on CD.  How do you get that on CD do you ask? Well, I come to find out that people steel stuff off of dead bodies during wakes.  So what is a funeral director to do, but put in hidden cameras to catch all the sheenangens.

In all my great smugness of being THE BEST DAUGHTER ON THE FACE OF THE PANET for having brought my parents and three children on a 28 hour car trip to see The Relatives, on the way home I got sick.  And I remained sick, with fever and cough, for SEVEN days.  I just know it was God’s way of taking me down a peg or two, you know that smugness I referred to earlier?  However, PJ got sick too.  Upon reflection, she does need to work off some of her evil ways, so she wasn’t spared either.

During my week of ill, I was crawling out of bed trying to help Omar plan a fairly substantial event called Darkness Day at Surly Brewing Company.  If you did not make it out this year, you should certainly try it out next year.  The food, bands and of course beer were amazing.  So by Saturday, the sick was gone and the party was on!

This week has been filled with catching up on all the other things that happen when three weeks of your life have vanished and you actually forget what your name is and what day it is.

Hi I’m Mary and today is Wednesday Thursday.

Lets here it for my mother!

As most of you know my mother doesn’t really align with me on my LOVE of working out.

But after all these years, today we had this conversation:

Mom:  What are you doing today?

Me:  Going on a bike ride with Todd and Courtney.

Mom:  OH Honey!  It’s so hot and soooo windy.

Me:  dead silence on the other end of the phone.

Mom:  But that means you will get a really good workout in.

Yesterday’s words

My mom was over to watch KP while I went to school for a meeting.  As I was walking out the door this is what was said:

Mom:  Honey, you look tired.

Me:  I don’t have any makeup on.

Mom:  You are going to a meeting with no makeup on?

Me:  Yes, I am going to a meeting with no makeup on AND guess what?  I didn’t even shower.  I’m a volunteer, they’ll take anybody.

Conservative Roots

I come from a family of Republicans.  And while growing up, politics was never a really big topic that we discussed, mulled over or chewed on at the dinner table.  You knew where they stood, period…strongly Republican.

So yesterday my mom called at 8:00 am:

Me:  Hello.

Mom:  I see they have been through your neighborhood.

Me:  Who?  What are you talking about?

Mom:  The Obama sign in your yard.

Me:  Oh yeah, I gave that to Adam for his birthday! Are you driving around my house right now?

Mom:  No.  Your brother saw it this weekend and then called your dad and then your dad told me.

Happy 40th Bro!

Tommy,

Wow…you’re 40, I can’t believe it.  Enjoy every second of it.

Cheers to you.

Ho, ho, WHAAAAAAT?

My dad popped over early this morning. 8:23 to be exact and loaded with a big bag of candy canes for the kids. After they were done mauling him, we had the following conversation.

Have you talked to your mother this morning?

No, why?

I’m surprised she hasn’t called you yet.

WHAT? What’s going on?

I went out for coffee with the guys this morning and before I left I took the garbage and recycling out. And when I came back, your mother had already brought the bins back in.

Yeah, so?

Well, she was Christmas shopping yesterday and she left all the bags on the table…I thought they were garbage. I threw EVERYTHING away.

I let out a large gasp, followed by a loud shriek, all the while holding my hands to my face and squeezing my eyes shut so tight in hopes that if I didn’t see him that he really didn’t do what he just said he did.

What? YOU WHAT? THREW THEM AWAY???

Yeah, I know. I’m in trouble, she’s pretty mad. It really did look like garbage.

Catholic guilt

Phone rings.

Hello.

This is The Father.

Hi Dad.

I was just wondering if you thought I was dead. Since you and your brother don’t call anymore.

You see…it really doesn’t matter to him that we spoke four days ago. If he doesn’t reign supreme in your thoughts on a daily basis he gets feisty or maybe crotchety would be a more fitting word.

BIG brother

Happy Birthday to my one and only BIG brother!

Big brothers are great to have. I love having one. Only once in a blue moon did I wish I had a sister. And that passed quickly, especially when Tom went through his eye liner and hair dying phases.

As I watch my kids kick the crap out of each other, I lovingly think back at how my brother and I did the same thing…

I was in 4th grade and Tom was in 6th. I decided I wanted to make pancakes for him before school. He decided he wanted to flip. I didn’t want his help…screaming, pushing and pulling of the spatula ensued. Ultimately, we ended up wrestling each other to the ground. I on my stomach, arched up in a C shape, Tom riding me like Bodacious with my head/hair in one hand and the spatula pulled back ready to strike in the other.

Then mom walked down the stairs. She WAS NOT pleased!

Oh, I have many stories. And all of them put a little smile on my face.

Love ya Tom. I hope you have a great birthday.

Lil’sis

Mom

Happy 67th Birthday!
Aren’t you excited for my birthday next week, Flag Day, June 14th???